He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
