My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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