I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
