i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Damn victory sex feels great
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
