I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
