I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
