I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
