if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I said "one day" and that day is not today
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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