I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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