Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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