Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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