is your mom at the bar?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
