the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
