It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
