Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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