no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
