I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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