My liver just broke up with me...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
