Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
