i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
