so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize