My hand turned me down
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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