she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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