Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
