she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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