His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
