For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
