I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
