grandma shit on top of the toilet
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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