I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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