You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
