why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
