There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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