So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
