I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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