My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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