My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
