You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Say something about gay babies.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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