Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
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she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
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Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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