If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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