Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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