Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
