So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
