Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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