He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
