she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
