Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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