imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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