I'm sorry my penis didn't work
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
My vagina just clenched in fear
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
