Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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