Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
