His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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