There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
