The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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